The "I Can Fix Him" Boyfriend Project
Do you also spend all your time scrolling through wattpad, just to read some bad boy – good girl stories. Stories about that one popular – quintessential bad boy who’s got the looks, the athlete bod, the attention but there’s one thing entirely missing – a person who can fix his life for him. Then enters the ‘good girl’ who thinks she can fix him and she actually does! The story ends with the readers giggling and blushing for the happy ending.
But, IT’S FICTIONAL.
So babe, your role in his life is not that of a mechanic who can magically fix broken parts. Neither are you his therapist who he can rely on to bring about betterment in his mental health. But if doing all that is what’s making you a ‘good girlfriend’ in the eyes of society ( and romance authors), it’s time to sit down and read this.
The Boyfriend Project
They weren’t lying when they said relationships are work.
A relationship today is no less than a workplace where your boyfriend is your top project. He has been assigned to you by fate ( just a dating app maybe) and now you are supposed to work extensively on him – fix the ‘broken parts’ and teach him patience, how to be more sensitive and probably how to use a gua-sha stone.
Did you not know what you were signing up for? Why would you still do it?
Women have been taking up the role of being the responsible one in the relationship which ultimately comes with the preconceived notion of bringing a positive change in the partner’s life. Often the ‘responsibility’ (read boyfriend) is irresponsible himself. A blend of insensitivity, arrogance, alcoholism, smoking, basically an unhealthy lifestyle. Women supposedly fix this by taking care of him, some soft touches and the look of love.
When did women start signing up for this?
They did it the very moment their class teacher made the ‘naughty boy’ sit next to them because they were ‘good girls’.
The Saviour Complex
Voluntarily taking up the job of fixing someone’s life stems from the underlying need of validation. Mind you, it’s not a broken button that needs to be stitched or a dish that can be fixed with a pinch of salt. It changes someone’s personality, their entire lifestyle from the way they live, the clothes they wear to the way they behave and perceive things around them. It’s the intense urge to play an important role in the man’s life which is significant enough for him to forever be grateful for you. Something that makes him appreciate you infront of his friends and family by saying “my life changed the day she stepped in.”
All of this just for unwavering attention and the need to feel accepted in return. The proportions of efforts in a relationship like this don’t really balance each other out. The heavier side is always towards the woman. Knowing that she ‘saved’ someone and for good, places the woman at the topmost level of acceptance through validation. It gives her a sense of euphoria, a feeling she doesn’t want to get rid of and it only leads to volunteering for more of such ‘projects’.
But what about accepting someone as they are?
“hey hey hey lover, I like you just the way you are.”
They say change is the only constant. Seasons change, the way you look changes but the essence of being ‘you’ can never really change. All of us are conditioned according to the values that were imbibed into us by our parents, relatives and even friends. Those certain sets of beliefs and values are the reason for us having a firm opinion about a particular thing. More often than not, these differ from person to person. For example, some people believe vaping is better than smoking and some think both of them are equally bad.
The value you believe in is always superior for you in comparison to others and it also leads you to think that it’s not okay to be different that you are. Thereafter ensues a cycle of actively attempting to change your partner’s habits/beliefs because you wanna project yours into their life.
Knowing how your partner is, wholeheartedly accepting him/her as they are and still choosing to stay is what really matters and that includes being unbothered by the fact that he leaves the wet towel on the bed or doesn’t do skincare. It may sound surprising but when someone stops doing something that they always do, you start feeling that something is missing because that was what made them ‘them’.
Is he really broken to be fixed?
“You can bring the horse to water but you can’t make him drink it.”
All of us know that one guy – tall, brooding, grumpy. He acts like he hates everyone around him and is in an existential crisis. The suspected reason for this is a major heartbreak or a troubled childhood according to the onlookers. And when he gets a ‘loving’ girlfriend, he starts taking her for granted by heavily depending on her to solve his problems under the pretext of healing him.
What exactly is the healing process? Is it just some display of love or is it the fact that someone successfully managed to convince him that he’s worth loving?
While two people in a relationship are codependent, in project heal him, it’s the man who is dependent on the woman for physical, emotional and psychological needs. She becomes his trauma dumping ground and unfortunately, the woman sort of enjoys this power over him because apparently she’s healing him. Those blind in love accept him with all his flaws because they’ll handle it.
When handling it feels like an inherent responsibility because you are dating him, it’s a sign that you will only wade deeper into this mess because you couldn’t say no in the first place.
There’s a reason you are his girlfriend and not his mom right?
Even if you are doing it out of good will, what if he thinks there’s no problem in him? That’s more problematic than one can imagine. It is really frustrating when as a girlfriend you’re putting in efforts to make him a better person and he in return is complacent because for him, he’s fine just the way he is. Repeatedly forcing him to do something because you want him to be a certain way is just another way to take a good relationship to a toxic road. What’s normal for him may not be normal to you – so who’s fault is it?
Is it his because he doesn’t find his habits problematic or yours because you’re particular that way?
This fiasco only leads to a toll on both partners’ mental health with thoughts like ‘Am I not good enough?’ or “He just doesn’t care” creeping into their mind. His non-compliance starts seeming like her fault and the only way out is saying I quit.
Aashiqui 2 is one such movie that serves as an example to the ‘I can fix him’ ideology. After a decade of its release, this film is now a Bollywood classic. While a groundbreaking album and insane chemistry between Shraddha Kapoor and Aditya Roy Kapur are the reasons for its popularity, a major contributor to its fame is the aspect of relatability. The character of Rahul Jaykar ( Aditya Roy Kapur) was a typical musician – depressed, wasted and alcoholic. Most of his songs did well because of the heartbreak he portrayed so well. Hopeless and unloved, he meets Arohi Shirke (Shraddha Kapoor) who literally enters his life like a ray of sunlight on a cloudy day. She makes him happy, actually truly loves him and is with him through all his ups and downs. Arohi’s rise to fame also comes with Rahul’s downfall to the extent where he steals money from her purse for alcohol and she stays silent despite knowing it. When he ousts her out of the house because he thought she was too good for him, Arohi still stayed and Rahul eventually came back to her begging her to save him.
Trivial acts like giving him a bath and shaving his beard also started feeling like ‘healing’ to the audience. Arohi at a point is ready to give up on her blossoming career just to be with him and that is where she does not realize how late it is to give up now. Knowing when to let go is like an epiphany, sudden but real. In the process of fixing him, Arohi had to lose her emotional sanity which ruined her mental health. And all of this for him to end up dead because she deserved better? Rahul ruined her life because he did not want to change. Despite her efforts, she achieved nothing.
It’s true when they say that change comes from within. Unless you actually, really want to bring about a change within yourself, no external force can force it out of you. If Rahul had just had the will to change himself for her, we wouldn’t have to endure such a tragic love-story.
Is marriage an option?
You know you’re an Indian when your family thinks shaadi is the solution to EVERYTHING.
“ladka bigad gaya – shaadi kara do!”
“ladki hath se nikal rahi hain iski shaadi kara do!”
It’s extremely ignorant or rather stupid of Indian parents to think that marrying your son or daughter off will bring them back on track by magic. For someone who couldn’t change since childhood, for someone who doesn’t want to change, a marriage will only feel like an added obstruction. A wife will seem like a CCTV camera monitoring every action of his and the marriage will be no less than a jail. It may even lead to complications like an early divorce/extra marital affair.
The spouse won’t get their share of happiness that too for no fault of theirs. Just because somebody’s son ( or even a daughter) can’t adhere to particular parental expectations, how right is it to just dump the responsibility over someone else’s head?
Obviously like everywhere else, women are expected to adjust and make a compromise in something as significant as a marriage. They have always been on the receiving end, having to bear the brunt of societal expectations and what’s disturbing is the fact that they did not sign up for an unhappy and problematic marriage. Nobody warns them about what’s waiting for them and post marriage it ends up in the woman being mentally unhealthy.
Jane Austen is an author who is regarded as one of the best things to ever happen to English literature. Her contribution to the language is incomparable and works like Pride and Prejudice are a testament to the ever-lasting impact it has had on the readers. While writing Mr.Darcy and Elizabeth’s love-story, Austen remarkably blended in the book the fact that Darcy would want to change for Elizabeth. That is precisely what makes the story stand out for so many years since it was published. Elizabeth never ‘fixed’ Darcy, she saw him for what he was and made sure he saw it too. If mentioning the fact that she was from a poor background was Darcy’s prejudice, defiantly rejecting his proposal was Elizabeth’s pride.
But he was so in love – she had bewitched his body and soul. How on earth could he have survived without her?
Darcy’s love for Elizabeth was so profound, it made him realize that he would have to change if he wanted to have her in his life. In the end, that one decision of his gave us what we have in the form of Pride and Prejudice – a precious love story that’s cherished for generations.
While it’s okay to motivate someone out of pure good will to be a better version of themselves, making it the mission of your life will only snatch away your sanity. Sometimes accepting a person as they are will bring you more happiness than you can imagine. Know when to leave and muster up the courage to do it with the same conviction. Being there for each other is one thing and being a trauma dump ground is another thing. Getting caught up in your boyfriend’s problems will lead to ignorance when it comes to yours.
Girl, you are made for better things like living the Italian summer dream, getting makeup from Sephora and attending Sabrina Carpenter’s concerts! Don’t toil for this emotional labour that’s unpaid and ruins you in return.
On a side note, let that wet towel stay on the bed.
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Articulated By Saee Mhaskar, 1st year Student at Media and communication, Fergusson College.
