Weaponisation of Intellect in the World of Modern Dating
You must have come across a term called sapiosexual.
We often hear people say they’re attracted to a partner with a sharp mind. Intelligence is celebrated as one of the most appealing traits—whether it’s a clever conversation, a well-timed joke, or an insightful opinion. But what happens when being smart goes beyond just being attractive and turns into a tool for control?
Sadly, this is becoming more common. In many relationships today, intelligence isn’t just about curiosity or personal growth—it’s used as a way to dominate, manipulate, and create power imbalances. Rather than bringing two people closer, intellect can be used to make one partner feel small, belittled, or inferior.
So how did we end up here, and how can we avoid letting intelligence damage our relationships?
When Intelligence Becomes a Tool for Control
In the age of dating apps and social media, we’ve all become hyper-aware of how we present ourselves. It’s no longer enough to just be attractive; we want to appear impressive, too. This has led many people to proudly identify as “sapiosexuals” (those attracted to intelligence) or use their dating profiles to showcase their intellect—whether through book recommendations, political views, or deep quotes.
At first glance, this doesn’t seem harmful, but over time, this need to seem intellectually superior can take a darker turn. Instead of fostering genuine connections, some people use their intelligence to establish dominance.
For example:
- Some may flaunt their knowledge by using complex words or obscure references to subtly put down their date.
- Others might brush off their partner’s opinions as “too basic” or “not deep enough,” making them feel inferior.
- A sense of intellectual arrogance might turn every disagreement into a battle where one person always has to be right.
In these cases, intelligence stops being a bridge and becomes a wall between two people, leaving one person constantly trying to “keep up.”
The Toxic Side of Intelligence in Relationships
When intellect is used as a tool for manipulation, it can be incredibly damaging, often without the other person realising it. Here are a few ways this can play out in unhealthy relationships:
- Gaslighting Through Logic
Ever been in an argument where your partner makes you feel like your emotions don’t matter, no matter how valid they are? That’s gaslighting. In some relationships, it’s done with logic:
- “You’re overreacting. That’s not what happened.”
- “Think about it rationally—your feelings don’t make sense.”
- “You just don’t understand the situation like I do.”
This can leave you feeling confused, insecure, and questioning your own reality.
- Negging Disguised as Compliments
Negging is when someone puts you down but disguises it as a compliment. In intellectual circles, it might sound like:
- “Oh, that’s a cute opinion.”
- “You actually understood that book? Impressive!”
- “It’s adorable when you try to talk about philosophy.”
While it may sound like praise, the real message is that you’re not smart enough, but they’ll “humour” you. This creates a sense of insecurity, always leaving you trying to prove yourself.
- Using Intelligence as an Emotional Shield
Some people intellectualise everything to avoid vulnerability. Instead of addressing emotions or feelings, they turn every conversation into a logical debate or analysis. You might hear phrases like:
- “This is just how human psychology works.”
- “Love is just a biochemical reaction in the brain.”
- “You’re being too emotional. Let’s look at the facts.”
While logic has its place, relationships are about more than just facts—they’re about feelings, empathy, and connection.
The Role of Social Media in This Dynamic
A big part of this shift comes from how we present ourselves online. Dating apps, Twitter, and Instagram push us to show off our intellectual side, whether it’s through sharing quotes or engaging in political debates. The problem is that many people fake it, dropping a few big words or quoting famous philosophers to appear “intellectual.”
But true intelligence isn’t about impressing others with fancy words. It’s about curiosity, empathy, and connection. Trying to sound smart for the sake of looking impressive doesn’t create real bonds—it just puts up walls.
The Gender Dynamic in Intellectual Power Struggles
The way intellect is weaponized also plays out differently for men and women. For centuries, women were often dismissed as “too emotional,” while men were seen as the logical, rational ones. This bias still exists today, and in some cases, men may use their intelligence to dominate conversations, explain things unnecessarily (a.k.a. mansplaining), or dismiss women’s ideas.
On the flip side, some women set extremely high intellectual standards for their partners, expecting men to constantly “keep up” or meet their expectations. Statements like, “If he can’t keep up, he’s not worth my time” can shut down potential connections before they even start.
The truth is, intelligence shouldn’t be a battlefield. It should be a shared journey, where both partners can learn from one another.
How to Keep Intelligence from Becoming Toxic
So how do we make sure intelligence is a tool for connection, not control? Here are some simple ways to keep intellect from turning toxic in your relationship:
- Use Intelligence to Understand, Not Win
Being smart doesn’t mean always being right. Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective, not just proving your own.
- Balance Logic with Emotion
You can be intellectually sharp while still honouring emotions. If your partner is upset, they don’t need a lecture—they need empathy.
- Recognise Manipulation
If someone constantly makes you feel inferior or dismisses your emotions, they’re not using their intelligence for connection—they’re manipulating you.
- Stay Curious, Not Condescending
True intelligence is about curiosity, not superiority. Instead of looking down on someone who knows less than you, try to learn from them and help them grow.
Final Thoughts: Intelligence Should Connect, Not Divide
There’s nothing wrong with appreciating deep conversations, intellectual debates, or a well-read partner. But intelligence should never be used to control, belittle, or create power imbalances in a relationship. When used for connection, it makes love richer—it sparks curiosity, encourages growth, and fosters meaningful conversations.
When weaponised, though, it turns relationships into competitions, leaving one person feeling small and the other feeling superior. Ultimately, true connection isn’t about who’s smarter—it’s about who makes you feel heard, seen, and valued. So next time you find yourself in a deep conversation, ask yourself:
“Am I using my intellect to connect—or to control?”
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By Kadambari (thoughts of a character from the film ‘MIRAGE‘ articulated by Anuja Nhalve)
